Juneteenth: The Day Republicans Freed the Slaves Democrats Wanted to Keep
LEWIS COUNTY, WA — In honor of Juneteenth, Americans across the country are encouraged to take a moment and remember the day Republicans freed the slaves Democrats wanted to keep.
The holiday, which commemorates June 19, 1865, when enslaved people in Galveston, Texas, were finally informed they were free, is now celebrated with parades, cookouts, speeches, federal office closures, and at least one awkward HR email explaining the historical significance without accidentally mentioning too much history.
Historians say Juneteenth remains an important reminder that freedom did not arrive everywhere at once, and in some places had to be delivered by Union soldiers because certain people were still clinging to slavery like it was a campaign platform.
Local Republicans reportedly marked the occasion by pointing to the calendar and whispering, “You’re welcome,” while Democrats celebrated by insisting that history is extremely important, except for the parts where someone asks follow-up questions.
At press time, several residents were seen enjoying the day off, firing up the grill, and wondering how a holiday about ending slavery somehow became another corporate diversity seminar led by people who suddenly prefer not to discuss party history.
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