County Officials Clarify ‘Total Burn Ban’ Also Applies to Gary
LEWIS COUNTY — County officials issued an important clarification this week reminding residents that Lewis County's total outdoor burn ban does, in fact, also apply to Gary.
The announcement reportedly became necessary after Gary determined that the county's prohibition on outdoor burning was probably intended for "other people doing stupid stuff" and not the small collection of branches, cardboard, scrap lumber and miscellaneous material he had accumulated behind the shop.
"I'm not talking about a big fire," Gary explained. "I'm just gonna get rid of this little pile real quick."
Officials confirmed this is precisely the type of sentence the burn ban was designed to address.
Gary reportedly attempted to negotiate several exemptions, including having a garden hose nearby, burning only after dinner and promising to "keep an eye on it."
County officials denied all three.
At press time, Gary had reluctantly agreed to wait until restrictions are lifted but reportedly walks past the brush pile several times each evening while muttering, "Perfect burning weather, too."
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