New Commissioner Shocked To Learn Experienced Officials Don’t Immediately Set Fire To Legal Strategy In First 90 Days

CENTRALIA, Wash. — Port of Centralia Commissioner Ally Pickard reportedly expressed frustration this week after veteran commissioners Peter Lahmann and Kyle Markstrom declined to abandon an ongoing legal strategy simply because the newest person in the room had a fresh feeling about it.

Witnesses say the tension began when Pickard, still new enough to the commission to be learning where the good pens are kept, attempted a rapid-fire series of motions aimed at overturning the port’s approach to the Norwegian Woods dispute. Lahmann and Markstrom, both seasoned conservatives who apparently still subscribe to outdated concepts like “patience,” “process,” and “not blurting out every idea after executive session,” declined to second the motions.

“Experience is fine, I guess,” said one imaginary observer familiar with modern progressive governance, “but have they considered replacing years of institutional knowledge with visible frustration and several dramatic procedural swings?”

Sources confirmed Lahmann and Markstrom relied on an increasingly controversial decision-making model known as “staying the course until there is an actual reason to blow everything up.” The method, once common in local government, has recently fallen out of fashion among officials who believe every disagreement should be handled like a campus sit-in with better hair products.

As this story broke, the two veteran commissioners were expected to continue using their infuriatingly calm approach of letting legal issues play out, while Pickard was reportedly preparing to introduce a bold new governing framework in which seniority, strategy, and caution are all replaced by vibes, indignation, and a motion that dies for lack of a second.

—Dean