Napavine Residents Warned to “Brace for Chaos” as Road Striping Season Looms Like a Hungover Picasso

Local | 2025/04/19

NAPAVINE, WA — City officials have issued a formal warning to residents: “Brace for chaos.” The announcement comes ahead of the annual road striping season, which in Napavine is less a maintenance project and more a community-wide endurance test. Locals still haven’t recovered from last year’s effort, where lane lines zigzagged across streets like a toddler had taken a Sharpie to a map during an earthquake.

The crew, however, remains unapologetic. “Straight lines are boring,” said lead striper nicknamed only as the "Swerve Doctor." “We’re ushering in a new era of road design.” City officials backed the sentiment, noting that the unique squiggles put Napavine “on the map” of European-style traffic management. “Have you seen the roads in Paris? We’re just adding a little Napavine flair,” said one councilmember while rubbing his temples.

To ease the community into the coming nonsense, Napavine will distribute complimentary barf bags, blindfolds, and emotional support cones. Officials recommend drivers avoid eye contact with the lines and under no circumstances “try to make sense of them.” A city press release advises residents to “brace for chaos and embrace the squiggle.”

-Dean

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