Police Chief Heroically Saves Morton From Dangerous Hour Of Extra Beer

Local | 2025/09/02

MORTON, WA — Citizens of Morton erupted at a recent city council meeting after Police Chief Cole Cournyer bravely shut down every bar in town an hour and a half early during the Morton Loggers Jubilee, thereby protecting residents from the horrors of one more Coors Light.

“I had $4,000 in potential revenue ready to go,” lamented bar owner Chris Hatch. “But the chief reminded me that money is temporary, while public safety and empty bar stools are forever.” Hatch added that previous Jubilees featured more fights and fewer shutdowns, “but I guess this year Morton just couldn’t risk the town’s delicate ecosystem being thrown off by another Budweiser.”

To distract from the outrage, the council quickly passed a new business license requirement and announced Councilor Caro Johnson’s resignation. Sources say Johnson left office after realizing he could either serve out the year or go home early like everyone else at Jubilee.

City leaders promised next year’s Jubilee will be even safer, with a strict 7 p.m. curfew, mandatory milk service, and glow sticks replaced with prayer candles. “We will not rest until all fun has been fully eradicated,” Chief Cournyer declared while padlocking the town’s karaoke machine.

—Dean

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