Lewis County High School Football Roundup Issue #4
Onalaska continues to 'chop down' the competition, PWV steps down to 8-man football for a game, and Napavine suffer major blow and 3rd straight loss. Meanwhile, Wyatt Hoffman of WF West amasses 456 total yards against Shelton!
Mossyrock 70, Vashon Island 3 — The “Everybody Eats” Act Passes Unanimously
Mossyrock rolled so hard the scoreboard started counting in dog years; eight of nine Vikings logged double-digit carries, which statisticians confirmed is also the recommended daily allowance of rushing yards. Vashon filed a noise complaint against the end zone for “excessive celebrating while still running.”
Onalaska 52, Mountaineers 0 — Chains Beg For Union Break
The Loggers chopped down everything that looked like a tree, a tackler, or a physics problem. Ethan Thayer cruised past 200 on the ground, then politely returned the chains to their original upright position so they could be moved again immediately.
Tenino 44, Centralia 15 — Metcalf Completes Throws
Tenino trapped the Tigers like a cardboard box with a string. QB Metcalf went 11-for-14 for 192 and four TDs, reportedly pausing between scores to confirm his Spotify playlist remained set to “Victory Formation.”
Ilwaco 38, Morton-White Pass 12 — Fisherman Discover Aerial Travel
Ilwaco’s Haddox Hazon tossed four touchdown passes and a few friendly reminders about pass coverage, handing MWP its first loss of the season. Local meteorologists described the performance as “gusty with a high chance of receivers.”
WF West 55, Shelton 25 — Wyatt Hoffman Enters Witness Protection For Defenses
Hoffman rang up 456 yards and five touchdowns, which the snack shack tried to price-match but ran out of inventory. Shelton scored plenty, but WF West scored “plenty-er,” a technical term recently added to the rulebook’s glossary.
Pe Ell-Willapa Valley 62, Winlock 12 — Warning: Objects In Backfield Are Closer Than They Appear
PWV said, “Let’s play eight-man,” and then proceeded to use all eight men at once, repeatedly. Winlock’s best strategy became pretending the sideline was lava; unfortunately, so was the PWV offense.
Montesano def. Napavine — Third-String QB Files For Emotional Support
Montesano blew it open early and kept the door off its hinges. Napavine tried the ol’ “break glass, use third-string QB” emergency plan, but the only thing that broke was the will to hear any more cowbell from the visitor’s section.
Adna 47, Raymond-South Bend 8 — Pirates Politely Shoved Ravens Off The Plank
Adna established maritime law at midfield and issued an escorted tour to the end zone. Sources say the Pirates’ treasure map was upside-down; X still marked the spot, just inconveniently located behind their own goal line.
Toledo 52, Toutle Lake 20 — Ducks Encouraged To Use Crosswalks
Toledo made Toutle quack early and often, converting drives like they had the cheat codes. By the fourth quarter, the only ducks left on the field were the rubber kind.
— Hairy Snutz
New Lewis County Budget Analyst Says “You Should’ve Checked Trivago”
After 25 Years, Local Rocker Tells Girlfriend “The Band’s Gonna Make It”
