Local Brother Vows Victory As Siblings Prepare For Annual Roman Candle War
LEWIS COUNTY, WA — With the Fourth of July approaching, one local family has reportedly entered final preparations for its annual Roman Candle War, a cherished backyard tradition in which siblings celebrate American independence by sprinting through the yard in Crocs while yelling things their mother specifically told them not to yell.
According to family sources, this year’s matchup has already taken a dramatic turn after one brother confidently announced that “this is finally my year,” despite making the same claim every summer since 2014 and immediately losing last year after tripping over a garden hose before the first volley was even over.
“I’ve been training,” he said, tightening the straps on what appeared to be an old firefighter coat and a bicycle helmet. “Last year was a fluke. I had bad footing, bad equipment, and my brother cheated by hiding behind Dad’s boat. This year, I’m faster, smarter, and I know where the good hiding spots are.”
Other siblings were reportedly unimpressed by the pre-war speech, noting that confidence has historically been the first thing to disappear once the yard lights go out and someone yells, “Go!” One sister described the event as “less of a battle and more of a bunch of poorly supervised adults remembering why Mom doesn’t host Thanksgiving anymore.”
The family has agreed to several safety rules, including no aiming at faces, no hiding behind grandma, no lighting anything near the dry grass, and no claiming victory from inside the house after quitting early. Local officials continue to remind residents that Roman candles are fireworks, not sibling dispute-resolution tools, though several cousins reportedly dismissed that as “government talk.”
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