Panhandlers Form Union, Claim Territorial Rights to I-5 Ramp Meters

Local | 2025/05/26

LEWIS COUNTY, WA - With the introduction of ramp meters on I-5 in Lewis County, panhandlers across the region are rejoicing at what they call a “once-in-a-generation business expansion.” No longer limited to busy intersections and supermarket exits, local sign-holders are staking claim to these slow-drip on-ramps, where traffic now halts long enough for an entire emotional guilt cycle to unfold. “It’s amazing,” said one veteran panhandler, polishing his “God Bless” sign with a fast food napkin. “Now drivers have time to read the whole sign, judge me silently, and still check their rearview mirror before the light turns green.”

Motorists, on the other hand, are experiencing a new level of eye-contact anxiety, as they must now endure prolonged seconds of soul-searching while avoiding the gaze of someone five feet from their window holding a hand-scrawled plea for help. “It’s like a high-stakes staring contest where I always lose,” said local commuter Jack MeHoff, who reportedly pretended to clean his glasses for the entire duration of the ramp meter red light. Others have resorted to fake phone calls, spontaneous windshield cleaning, or the classic ‘Pretend to look in the glove box’ maneuver.

To help ease this growing tension, one clever driver has launched a new trend: the “Ramp Distraction Kit™,” a bundle of decoy items you can keep in your glove box, or center-console, to instantly whip out to look busy. Contents include a half finished Sudoku book, tiny Etch-A-Sketch, Kazoo, miniature magic 8 ball, and a Rubiks Cube. It’s functional, it’s polite, and best of all—it keeps your dignity intact until the light turns green.

-Dean

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