Bob 'Turd' Ferguson And Jimmy Kimmel Celebrate His Return To TV While Sharing Electric Horse Ride

State | 2025/09/28

OLYMPIA, WA—The political world was rocked this week by the deeply personal, and frankly unsettling, emotional distress of Washington State Attorney General Bob "Turd" Ferguson following Jimmy Kimmel’s brief suspension from late-night television. Ferguson, whose love for the comedian has previously been described by his own staff as "borderline liturgical," immediately took to Facebook to wage a one-man holy war against what he perceived as a grievous act of oppression. In a series of 37 posts that mixed all-caps fury with weeping-emoji despair, "Turd" Ferguson declared the network's decision to be a clear and unconstitutional infringement on his personal happiness, vowing to sue until Kimmel was back on the air and "gently reading mean tweets" once more.

The Attorney General’s most passionate, and least tethered-to-reality, claim was that the entire controversy was a direct result of a nefarious plot orchestrated by President Donald Trump. Despite the fact that Trump was reportedly busy reviewing new carpet samples for his golf club’s ballroom, Ferguson breathlessly detailed a conspiracy involving secret shadow government communication lines, "weaponized FCC subpoenas," and a general "anti-comedy MAGA mandate." He demanded an immediate investigation into the former President for "emotional terrorism against late-night viewers," ignoring all network explanations and focusing instead on the satisfying narrative of his favorite comedian being a victim of his least favorite political figure.

The saga culminated in a scene that has baffled local citizens and provided endless fodder for satirical news outlets (like this one). "Turd" Ferguson and a visibly uncomfortable Jimmy Kimmel were spotted by paparazzi sharing a single, slightly melted triple-scoop of Baskin-Robbins ice cream. The truly disturbing element, however, was their mode of transport: a rented, pastel-colored electric horse, which they rode tandem through a strip mall parking lot. Ferguson was reportedly whispering words of encouragement, promising Kimmel that once the legal dust settled, they would take the electric horse all the way to Washington, D.C., to personally serve Trump with a hand-written cease-and-desist order against "being a jerk to Bob's friend."

—Dean

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