Napavine Residents Warned to “Brace for Chaos” as Road Striping Season Looms Like a Hungover Picasso
NAPAVINE, WA — City officials have issued a formal warning to residents: “Brace for chaos.” The announcement comes ahead of the annual road striping season, which in Napavine is less a maintenance project and more a community-wide endurance test.
Local | 2025/04/19
Scientists Stunned as Jesus’ Tomb Found Empty—2,000 Years Later, Still No Bones
JERUSALEM - In a stunning display of academic head-scratching, a team of world-renowned archaeologists and scientists announced today they are 'completely dumbfounded' by the discovery of an ancient tomb labeled 'Jesus' that contains—brace yourself—absolutely nothing.
Science | 2025/04/18
Karens Spread Like an Infection in Lewis County, Sparking Over-the-Top Reactions Everywhere
LEWIS COUNTY, WA - In recent weeks, Lewis County has seen an alarming increase in the number of 'Karens' — a term for individuals, often middle-aged women, who are quick to complain and demand special treatment, usually with an over-the-top sense of entitlement.
Local | 2025/04/13
Pe Ell Man Accused of Maintaining Eye Contact While Eating Banana -- Now Deeply Regrets Decision
PE ELL, WA - What started as a harmless afternoon snack has turned into a small-town scandal after local resident Gary -Banana Eyes- Thompson made the unsettling choice to maintain full, unbroken eye contact while eating a banana at the Pe Ell gas station.
Local | 2025/04/12
Fowl Play at Lewis County Coffee: Live Chicken Spotted Riding Shotgun, Sparks Feathery Debate
CENTRALIA, WA - Lewis County Coffee customers got more than their usual caffeine fix this week when an observant patron noticed a live chicken comfortably nestled in a parked car outside the coffee shop
Local | 2025/04/12
Local hero returns purse found in Home Depot parking lot, rewarded with honorary birdhouse builders kit.
CHEHALIS, WA - In a heartwarming twist that momentarily restored faith in humanity, a local good Samaritan discovered an abandoned purse at Home Depot and chose the path less traveled -- turning it in. Witnesses say the individual resisted the temptation of unspent gift cards and expired gum, instead marching the lost bag straight to customer service.
Local | 2025/04/12
Washington State: Pro-Choice for Everything But Your Marlboro Menthol
OLYMPIA, WA - In a cringe display of legislative gymnastics, Washington State lawmakers have decided that while your body is absolutely your choice, unless, of course, you’d like to fill it with anything flavored like cherry tobacco.
Local | 2025/04/08
Mass Hysteria Erupts in Centralia as WinCo Foods Opens 24/7 as Walmart Scrambles to Hold the Line
CENTRALIA, WA — The grand opening of WinCo Foods has sent shockwaves through Centralia, as thousands (maybe hundreds) of determined shoppers stormed the aisles in search of 24/7 access to bulk snacks. Eyewitnesses reported scenes of cart-jousting and frantic potato-grabbing as locals declared freedom from their former Walmart allegiance.
Local | 2025/04/07
Cape-Wearing Commissioner Sean Swope Rides Natural Gas Tank Into Battle Against Statewide Ban
LEWIS COUNTY, WA — In a historic display of heroism that historians are already comparing to Paul Revere, local legend and gas-powered gladiator Sean Swope has passed a resolution to protect the good people of Lewis County from the looming threat of natural gas bans sweeping across the state of Washington.
Local | 2025/04/06
Democrats Rally Behind Mexican Gang Member Dad, Claim - He's Just Misunderstood
MARYLAND - In a groundbreaking move of empathy-over-logic, Democrats urge the nation to reconsider the deportation of Kilmar Armando Abrego Garcia, a man they think might just need a hug.
National | 2025/04/04
Teen Criminal Masterminds Confounded That Beating a Man, Stealing Car, Brandishing Gun Leads to Standoff With SWAT
CHEHALIS, WA — In what will surely go down as one of the most brilliant criminal schemes of the decade, two teenage boys with a stolen car, armed with a stolen gun, found themselves utterly baffled when their actions led to an hours-long standoff with law enforcement.
Local | 2025/04/03
Bob Ferguson's Master Plan: 10 Ingenious Taxes to Fund the - Department of No Fun
OLYMPIA, WA - Washington State's Governor Bob Ferguson Unveils Brilliant Blueprint to Ensure No Citizen Escapes the Joyless Grip of the State.
State | 2025/04/03